Someone is crying tonight...

After being blissfully pregnant for 20 weeks someone's world is falling apart today. I met her only once at a good friend's party. Neither of us pregnant yet but soon to be. She found out she was pregnant only 4 weeks after I did just as we were announcing our happy news to close family and friends. .

I heard she was thrilled and so happy to be so newly pregnant that she told her best friend the news the day she peed on that stick. Weeks later the nuchal test showed that the baby's nuchal fold was thicker than it should be and after a cvs they confirmed that the baby was just fine, a little boygrowing strong and healthy they said. Today at her 20 week appointment they found that the baby's heart is misplaced and that there might be brain damage. They sent her home asking her to start thinking about terminating the life of her growing baby boy in her belly. To terminate her dreams and hopes that she built from the very day she found out her family was going to grow by one.

Someone is crying tonight. It could be me, it could be you, it could be someone you love or know.. All we know is that the pain is too hard to handle and I lay awake thinking about these newly formed parents and the tough decision that lies ahead of them. You are not alone whoever you are. We've had our suffering and pain and hopefully somewhere in your heart you can grow strong and move forward to a life where all this will be bittersweet and you will be happy and once again start believing in LIFE.

Back to real life

I finally got back home Sunday and let me tell you, it's like I've been rammed over by I don't know what. All these feelings of emptiness and memories just flooded over me and I'm so overwhelmed. I've been awfully negative and feel completely bad for putting my husband through my ups and downs. He is the only person who knows the "true me" aside from people that might be reading this blog. On the outside and to the rest of family and friends I probably look the happiest ever. I've been running around like crazy and also running (literally). I pushed myself to run, even though I'm not a huge fan of how I feel afterwards, but running is like crying out loud. When you feel the pain is too much to bear, you just keep going, harder and harder until you feel like you can't anymore and you keep on. I don't know, I'm hoping my running becomes a more positive thing to do eventually.

Today I spoke with the nurse at the RE and again I broke down in tears after talking to her. Not because I don't know what's coming, because I'm aware of it (although I yet have to go through an IVF cycle) but just because it's the reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore and that I never know if I will be. To top things off, the recommended "genetic analysis of the embryos" is going to run us an approximately 6k extra on top of our other costs (meds, IVF itself, etc). And we still owe over 1k in hospital bills from my pregnancy loss. It's completely overwhelming to think that all our savings will be completely depleted with no guarantee in the end.

On another note, as I was traveling back from London I peaked over at someone reading a newspaper piece and there was a big statistic in bold letters that stated that 3 out 4 children would be born out of wedlock this following year. So wow, I was right when I told my mom that I had to be blissfully unwed it seemed to have a child. I mean, I have nothing against being unwed with a child of course, it's just that a lot of the people I do know, a lot of them in my own family are, unwed with children! *sighs* What can you do? I'm still hoping that we will be one of the lucky 25% in the stat.

Until next time!

Brought back down to earth today

And it wasn't pretty :( So, I had my first talk since my loss with my RE. Since I'm still stuck in London (praying to get out of here by the weekend) we had a conference call. It worked out great, that way he didn't have to see the tears in my face or the disappointment. Maybe it's just me being melodramatic (I've been told I can get like that). That's where the "misunderstood" comes from. One of my friends on facebook (and real life of course) tagged me in that picture a while back.


On to the news of the RE. Basically we discussed my loss and how I interpreted it was due to my very lovely "faulty" eggs. This is not the RE's language, he is much more diplomatic and nicer about it. Because my eggs might not be of good quality all these wacky things could be happening, hence the miscarriages and the long time trying to even get pregnant in between. Our choice now per his recommendation is of course still IVF but this time it would include genetic analysis of the embryos. So the process should look like (excluding the mumbo jumbo meds and procedures of course):

-Get lots of "good quality eggs"
-Get those eggs inserted with only "ONE" sperm from my dear husband through ICSI
-Let them develop into blastocysts and on day 3 send them of for genetic analysis
-Freeze the embryos while we await for genetics
-Hope to God that at the very least we get 2 embryos that are "normal"
-Hope to God that we can get more to freeze for later use (i'm getting greedy here)
-Transfer embryos onto my womb that wil,l God willing, implant onto my uterus.
-Hope to God for an uneventful pregnancy (again being extra greedy, but hey..)
-Last but not least, pray and keep praying for a healthy baby

And that's it gals (and fellows if there were any :) That's the jist for now.

A little piece of London

And a break on baby talk, not because I don't miss my angels, but because one needs to be free of sorrow and full of joy. Where would I be in life without hope and joy? Cheers! :)

Nat & Big Ben


London Bridge from the ferry


View from the top of St. Pauls Catherdral (after climbing 365 steps to the top of the dome in heeled boots, ah!! my feet!)


The London Eye


London City View from Trafalgar Square

Hello from London!

Yes! That's where I've disappeared to. Great change of scenery and the weather is just right. It's sunny and mild, not at all usual for this city. I absolutely love it. While my husband W has been working none stop he decided to bring me along his business trip which I thank him so much. So he's working, I'm shopping and sightseeing. Ahhh! This Friday we leave to Paris to spend three days together. I hope we can really enjoy ourselves and put behind all our sad and angry feelings and experience joy and unforgettable moments! Till next time. Cheers!! :)

Life & holding on to it

Lately I've been obsessed with getting my husband to lose weight and eat healthier as I've been doing so for myself. You see he has high cholesterol and although it's been getting better over the years it's still up there. After my most recent loss, I've been thinking a lot and been scared of losing him. Life is so fragile, from the minute it starts to the time it ends, every little minute can be borrowed. I want him to make the most of this life and be able to at least prevent some things that could cause his to end.

So, we argue a lot some times. I get upset that he doesn't want to try harder or exercise more often. It's a challenge to stay on top of him telling him he shouldn't be eating that and I just don't want to do that. I want him to do it and I just don't understand how he cannot see for himself to do all the things that I need him to do. To stay here with me for a long time and hopefully our children can have a father who is also here for them God willing in many years to come.

So, yeah, the days are still tough. I think a lot about life and death and it's really bothering me lately. I've been able to more forward somewhat but not really. I think I try so hard on the outside but on the inside I still hurt deeply. I'm trying to find things to do but some days it's just hard.

Good thing is that we are leaving to London on Friday (he has work to do). I will be doing some sightseeing as it is my first time there so it should be a nice distraction. After we will be taking 3 days to Paris and I hope I can just really enjoy myself and stop thinking so much about the what ifs of life and stop hurting deep inside.

Results of genetic testing

We got the results for our little angel. Turns out that it had triploidy. Meaning, instead of having 46 chromosomes like every normal human being, this angel had 69 or an extra chromosome in every set. That's all I know, this is the first time we ran this type of testing and all I can do is research online to understand better.

Needless to say, my husband and I feel a little better. Not better that we lost our "miracle" baby but better in knowing that there was nothing we could have really done to prevent this from happening. I kept partially blaming the hematoma, but now we know it was definitely not that. Having these results helps give some closure to this very painful loss. Life has definitely been tough, full of anger and hurt on behalf of both of us.

On a happier note, tomorrow is our 4 year marriage anniversary! We give each other traditional gifts and this year is flowers and fruits. I'm giving him three roses. A peach rose that signifies desire and admiration (because we are still so passionate about each other and I always admire his will to move forward no matter what happens in our lives). A dark pink rose that signifies thankfulness for all that he has done for me throughout the many years we known each other. And a red rose that signifies my deep love for him. I'm getting my nails and hair done, dressing up nice and sexy and picking him up from work to head to dinner at the Melting Pot. Thought it would be appropriate to share chocolate fondue with fruits! So, I'm looking forward to a nice evening and as you can see this year I want to make him feel special because so far, all we have is each other and that's ok sometimes.

Inconsiderate People

Namely called family. The one who takes the prize on this one is my cousin. The day after I lose our baby she sends me her condolences and what not. And soon after, specifically the day after she is announcing all over the place that her sister (my other cousin) is PREGNANT. Can you say WOW and WTF? I know I'm not overreacting here. I put it this way...Let's say she is planning a wedding and excited to marry her fiance, then one day, he's gone, he leaves, he dies, whatever the case may be. I say I'm so sorry honey that you are going through this. The next day I go prancing around excited that who..., my sister just got engaged!! How freaking awesome.

I think people view a pregnancy lost very lightly at times, namely the people who have not been through one. They probably think the following. It was the best for you and the baby, the baby wasn't meant to be, etc. And I do understand some of that. But I think people forget that my husband and I had our hopes and dreams on this baby. On what the baby or our "gummy bear" would look like. What kind of personality would this baby have? Would the baby be just like his half brother who is also a Libra? Would his half brother love him/her? What would we do when the baby arrived and how would we feel? All those dreams lost in a minute. We saw little gummy bear and a strong strong heart beat and then one day, little gummy bear's heart stopped beating and I was holding a dead little gummy bear in my belly.

This is why I think that people just don't understand, maybe they just don't know and I guess I could forgive to some extent, but somehow not forget. I do not wish this upon anyone. But what I do wish is that we were more understood and people, including and especially my family would be more sensitive.

We Lost Our Baby...

I'm not sure how it happened, when it happened. I'm waiting to get a D&C tomorrow. Our baby would have been 10.5 weeks. This was our miracle baby and we deeply miss him/her. We loved you.

<3 Mommy & Daddy <3

10 wks: still hanging in there!

Every week is a big milestone, for us and our baby. We hope to continue to reach them week by week until I'm 40 weeks. It will be the most wonderful thing ever. We went to the midwife appointment yesterday, I think I had mentioned how much dh and I disliked my ob/gyn. Totally unsympathetic bastard. With all his awards and smug attitude and brushing me off like I didn't know what I was talking about. I don't deny that I didn't know what I was talking about, but I figured that's why he was the doctor. To be able to educate me and make me feel a little more at ease, even if that meant bad news. Instead when I asked where the bleeding was coming from or where the clots that looked like tissue came from, he chuckled and told me, the hematoma, where else?

I can somewhat understand why people might be weary of midwives. They're used to being part of this system where the doctors make the decisions for us, because the doctor "knows best", correct? Well fellow ivfers and IF strugglers, you know that this is not always true. And even if you have never gone through infertility struggles, I'm sure you have come across other doctors who thought something was best for you, when it really wasn't. I've heard numerous stories, many even published of medical errors, etc. It is not to say that you should question everything your doctor tells you. But I believe a great doctor is one that will allow you to ask as many questions as possible and will not hesitate to educate you and give you answers. Another great doctor is one that will not take to offense if you want a second opinion but as a matter of fact will welcome it.

So now on to the reason of why I liked the midwife practice. I waited 15 minutes before being called in by a welcoming woman. Someone who most likely seemed to know what I was going to, at least to a certain extent. Many questions were asked, about our medical background, especially mine and about any possible genetic factors. This was about thirty minutes which ended with all our questions towards the midwife. Amazingly the midwife that I had seen had gone through a similar experience with her second child, which put her on bedrest for many weeks. Later we were taken into the examination room, where I was informed I had a retroverted uterus (didn't even know that). They tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and couldn't. I was probably to early and with a retroverted uterus it's even a more impossible task. Of course I almost was in the verge of tears, I needed to know that the baby was ok and the midwife could sense that. She told me they would do an abdominal ultrasound for me (no more transvaginal, they don't want to take a chance of disturbing the SCH and make me bleed again). So they did and after a couple of minutes, there was baby. I saw a little kicking and the flickering of a heartbeat. It's amazing how much they grow in a week.

I was thankful that they accommodated me and dh to ease our fears and I just wish that that's what our ob would have been more sensitive to. But no, they are not trained for that. Obs are trained mostly in surgery. They're surgeons that perform c-sections when the need should arise. I respect that, because it for medical necessity I would need one, I of course would not deny it and would be thankful to have someone who knows what they are doing. But in the event that I do not, I feel comfortable having someone by my side who will try to make this a beautiful experience for us.

I want to enjoy this pregnancy, I really do. I hope things resolve and if they don't that I have the faith and will power to move forward and hope that everything is for the best. I will do everything possible to make it to my 40 weeks mark and hope that I have great medical care and the support I need.

8 wks 1 day: On bedrest

I have seen my baby three times these past 5 days through the ultrasound. At this point we call it our little gummi bear because that what he/she is looking like. Heartbeat is still strong but I'm still bleeding. It's been a real rollercoaster these past couple of days. At this point, it's sad but I'm used to the ups and downs but I was definitely not ready to get on this one.

As we headed to the doctor yesterday I started crying to DH and he told me that God doesn't give us what we can not handle. Crying back I said, I don't know why God thought that I could handle this. I felt bad and kind of wish I could take that back. You see, I'm not extremely religious but I do believe. I believe in praying every night and I believe our baby is a miracle. Some times in the hard times, I do feel like there is someone looking over me, giving me a sense of calm when I need it. Almost like my heart is lifted from some burden that I just can't handle at the moment.

The bleeding has subsided somewhat but it is still there and bright red. The hematoma is almost the size of the baby at this moment so I pray that the baby continues growing and beats it in size. I was told I might bleed as long as 4 more weeks or more. There is no known cause and no known cure. It just happens. I have small pains on the sides and I'm more paranoid than ever. I don't know what normal "pregnancy pains" or "gas pains" or anything. I just really try to stay calm and it subsides.

It's tough being in bed and all by myself but I'm hoping to get through it for the sake of our baby. I will lay the whole time I have left if I have to in this bed just so that I can give this baby a chance, a chance of life.

Scared...

I'm 7wk6 days today and since yesterday I've been passing clots. Bright red clots. They say it's from the subchroniotic hematoma but it does not stop.

It all started after the visit to the ob/gyn Thursday. He told me I should spot from the examination and also said that the hematoma should resolve itself by reabsorbing into the body or bleed out. I prayed I would not bleed out. After I got up from a small cat nap in the afternoon yesterday, Friday, I felt a small gush coming out. It was bright red blood. Of course I freaked out but I figured it would go away if it's just the hematoma bleeding and I had no cramping or any other bad signs. I continued bleeding until I started passing clots into this morning. I could not take not knowing how the baby was doing or when this would stop.

At the ER the baby was measuring almost 8 weeks and the heart was beating between 150 and 165bpm. My hcg levels were around 13,600 or so and I was told everything was measuring to date. I was given instructions to go home and not do anything and hopefully the bleed will stop. DH has officially put me on complete bedrest but I've still been bleeding changing underwear and all 4 times already. I'm truly scared and have prayed none stop for this baby to make it and for all this to go away. I ask for angels and guidance and I hold back tears in my eyes and pain in my heart not wanting to think about the biggest heartbreak of all. I keep trying to envision this baby, the little baby girl I have dreamt and the big belly I saw myself having. I'm hoping we can make it these next 7 months and meet each other and smile and cry together.

10.10.10 :)

Is the due date for our first baby! Yay! I didn't think we could make it to the doctors today because it started snowing like crazy here in Jersey and he was 45 minutes away, but thankfully, the doctor still opened the practice and after a long 1 hour wait we entered the room.

The appointment then proceeded as follows. We were asked a couple of questions of our family's backgrounds, whether I was on meds and when my last pap smear was and then that was it. He examined my breasts (which hurt like never before! and I thought they weren't sore, boy was I wrong). Then he proceeded to do my pap smear :/ A woman's lovely annual that I was due for anyways and he checked my uterus which also kinda hurt as he pressed down. So lastly, came the absolutely fun part which was the ultrasound. As soon as he went in and then in that old ultrasound machine screen (yes, it was that old), a beautiful little blob materialized until he got a little closer and there it was. This baby, its heart beating and all and so I was in love. I've never wanted this more in my life than any other and I was completely estatic. There was a little head and a little body and little buds that I could make up and the beautiful little heart beating away.

Unfortunately, we don't know how many bpm it was. Honestly, I didn't think to ask, I was so mesmerized. He said all looked great until DH asked if he saw anything else on the ultrasound and then BAM! Nothing is perfect. He said I have what's called a "subchorionic hematoma", nothing big and only a teaspoon of blood, but they are known to cause miscarriage *stab* If you look at my ultrasound, below the baby's sac there is a dark spot, not really too big, but you can see it and that's the hematoma. I wasn't supposed to google this according to dr's orders and DH but I couldn't help myself and did *Grrr* There are success stories and thankfully I haven't bled. I'm hoping the hematoma will just reabsorb itself. Meanwhile, I have orders to take it easy and rest a lot in the next 2 weeks or so which I have been doing. I guess aside from that everything is well, again *stab*. I'm still very happy for our little baby and I guess all I continue doing is praying that this will all just go away on it's own and that all will be ok. It's hard to ask for everything to be perfect of course but this was our little "miracle baby" and as our miracle baby I won't stop believing that he or she can get through anything in this pregnancy and beyond, where will await...

The belly book

I received it yesterday and I'm excited to write in it. However, I haven't touched it. Only read things here and there. My appointment is this Thursday which has eased up my nervousness but at the same time I can't help but be scared. DH doesn't like to hear it and wants me to only be positive and I guess I understand, but at the same time I can't help but to be worried and prepare for the worst :(

I wish it didn't have to be like that but having been through this whole infertility, loss journey one can't help but to have these fears. I hope that we can see the little one, it's' heartbeat strong and healthy and that he/she is measuring where we should be, which should be approximately 8 weeks. I've been watching ultrasound videos on youtube lately, just curious on what to expect and I just dream away of what it would be like to see my baby moving around in me.

My symptoms at this point are pretty mild which I guess is why I'm so pessimistic at times and scared. Breasts are hardly if any sore. I really don't have any nausea, although I do have an appetite during the day. I have a strong sense of smell . I have mostly been tired and I notice it's hard to get through the day without having a small cat nap and even when I do I still feel like my eyes are closing on me around 8pm. However, when I do get to my bed I have the hardest time falling asleep! I don't know if it's because of all my thoughts going round my head like a worrywart. Not sure. Or if I've just grown tired of my bed!

Talking about beds, DH and I bought a new king sized bed. We had a queen and were inching for a little more space and well if I want to be optimistic, technically I will need even more space a couple of months from now :) I sure hope so and I sure hope that I can soon start filling my belly book and be excited about the little one growing inside my belly :)

Our little tadpole/baby?

It's been a lot of fun getting to see what the baby looks like in terms of development these past days. It's somewhat helping me get through to our appointment next week. I know it's next week, but to me it still feels ages away! I'm feeling pretty ok. I took a test Monday (again!) and of course it was positive. I guess it's hard to believe one is pregnant without the bump right?

I wish I could enjoy my pregnancy much more, but unfortunately, like many of you out there, it's hard when you've experienced loss in the past and also it's taken so long to get pregnant. Everything is almost out of a dream. I'm not extremely religious but I do pray every night, and you guessed it, I pray for this baby to be strong and healthy and to get to meet him/her later this year. To get to hug, kiss, cry everything with this baby.

The good thing is since I'm currently not working I get to pretty much rest a lot (which is not bad, because half of the time I feel like I was run over by a truck lol) In terms of symptoms, I've been a little nauseous (not vomiting though) especially in the mornings and at night. It mostly goes away if I eat something except at night. At night, it's mostly heartburn and just a nasty feeling. My boobs are no longer that sore, I hope that's not a bad thing. Cramps I rarely get, only here and there and they are right when they say that water helps. I realize that when I get them I just might need to drink water. I've been having food aversions for the past couple of days. Mostly meats and chicken and turkey and anything meat, sounds pretty gross to me now :( DH was craving an Argentinian style steak so even though I wasn't in the mood we went on Monday and boy was that a mistake. I ate some but I wish in the end I would have ordered some pasta. So yeah, my diet pretty much is consisting of carbs lately. Pasta, bread, potato, carbs and more carbs. I can't help it. I do try to eat vegetables here and there even though I'm not a big fan. Mostly broccoli, carrots, tomato and also fruits, mostly cantaloupe, apples and sometimes oranges.

Well, that's a jist of what's been going on. As you can see nothing much lol, but I'm happy. Happy to hopefully be a mommy soon. One more week! I'll be a nervous wreck till the ultrasound. Wish me luck!

Ha ha ha

Source: baby-gaga.com

I hate to admit it, but this is still me. I'm going to go crazy before the first prenatal appointment on the 25th :(

Hunger pain..

I officially think that I might blow up into a balloon any time now. My belly is sticking out, but of course it's not because of the pregnancy (ok, partially is bloat) but also because I've been stuffing my mouth 24/7 to satisfy the unsatisfied hunger of mine. All I can think of is bread, pasta, apple strudels and anything that would remotely resembles my grandma's Sunday cooking.

For instance, last week, in my hunger driven state I set out to make myself gnocchi. Homemade gnocchi, just like grandma and just like my mom would make it. As I was mixing everything together I started thinking that I might break down and cry and throw everything across the kitchen if these gnocchi did not resemble in taste what I remember.

Thankfully for DH and I they did. It's as if I have all of the sudden become a better cook! It's pretty amazing (not that I ever was a bad cook, but my cooking skills could always use a few pointers here and there).

Now, only if I could find the damn energy to continue cooking and making myself these delicious meals. Of course, in a way, it's probably best. I'm not contributing in a good way to DH's waist line (or mine). But all I can do, is dream and think of all these foods that I want to eat and don't know how in the world I will continue to control this insatiable hunger.

The final product "Gnocchi w/ marinara sauce and chicken" (excuse the presentation, I didn't have time to make it look beautiful as I just needed to stuff my mouth as quickly as possible :)

Feeling pretty great

I have to say, it's hard to feel pregnant when you don't have a belly, you haven't seen your little being in an ultrasound, heard his/her heartbeat and symptoms are at a minimum. I've just been sleeping like a baby if that counts lol However, at night I'm suffering from worrying myself to sleep. I can't help it. I'm a worry wart! And I'm embarrassed to say that up to today I took another HPT *embarrassed*** I was pretty happy and relieved that the control line was lighter than the other line, which means that the HCG in my system must be pretty up there now! (or so I hope) But I promise, I've officially put the HPT's down because I ran out of them lol

Yesterday I thought I saw some "tan" streaked cm but to be honest I don't even know. Just in case I put myself on bed rest for the rest of the night. But really aside from a couple of small twinges/little cramps here and there everything seems to be going ok. However, Feb. 25th could not come any sooner! We want to see the little one in there (well, I dont know how much you see at 8 weeks but I've been told they see the heartbeat). So can't wait!

On another note, my dog who is a cutie (sometimes she drives me nutty) has been acting completely overprotective, almost as if she found out I was pregnant at the same time I did. She has been oober affectionate and constantly laying by my side. It's very unlike her, I have to say she is usually quite the anti-social kind, even with us! haha So it's definitely grabbed our attention. DH noticed it too so it's not just me.

Another little person in our life who's been acting different is my stepson. He is so cute. But last week he could just not get away from me. Whether he tried to follow me into the bathroom asking me "what are you doing" (although I'm pretty sure he has a good idea at age of 5, but we'll give him the benefit of doubt lol) to just wanting to sit by me. You see this is strange because usually his is super attached to his dad and this time it has been the other way around.

Another cute thing is that his face reaches up to my tummy at this point. And three times the whole weekend he grabbed me and hugged me and laid his head on my tummy. If you could see it, you would just melt. I know I did LOL and DH was completely wide-eyed. Of course we will not be telling him anything until maybe I start showing and all is well. Plus, we need to figure out a way to not make it such a big shock (his mom is expecting too, due in July). So the poor little one has his plate full I would say this year :) Can't wait until we are a big happy family! :) :) :)

A little update!

I got my second beta results back on Friday and it was at 114 from a 46 :) So I'm happy about that, although again the nurse was like, oh..it's a little on the lower end but the good thing is that it's doubling and it's probably just very early. I'm like..yeaaaa..Can you stop freaking me out? :( Anyways, I've been taking it easy for the past few days especially since I get some cramping on and off, but overall I'm doing pretty good.

In terms of symptoms, I would say I'm constantly tired and wanting to take a nap (like all day!) and I can't stay up past 10 if anything. I'm also hungry all the time, but I just don't know what to eat, as in I think I want something and when I have it it tastes kind of gross lol Nausea has been on and off but thankfully no vomiting. DH would prefer to see me vomiting to ease his mind that I am pregnant, but it hasn't quite happened (only once which isnt enough). It's not that DH wants to see me sick, but I guess he just want to see me pregnant and at this stage that's the only way. He's just as scared as I am and unfortunately we are both a mess waiting to our first appointment.

Talking about first appointments, we just saw over the weekend "THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN". Well, let me tell you, I don't know what to do! I mean, I never really thought that far ahead I guess in terms of birthing a child. For the past years the focus has been to get pregnant! It's an interesting movie and just makes me think of the options out there. I thought I was happy with my doctor but I'm not too sure which kind of sucks :/

I'm still a little confused if I'm on week 4 or 5, but it's ok, I really don't care as long as I'm pregnant :) Just praying every day that this little one hangs on and grow strong and healthy!

My results are back

So here are my results for yesterday's bloodwork : Beta of 46 and Progesterone of 22. The nurse was like, oh well, it's a little on the lower end (why the hell do they always have to make me feel like something has to be wrong, ugh?!) And of course I go for a repeat tomorrow. I want to be calm and tell myself that everything is going to be ok but that comment kind of messed up my confidence :( I wouldn't put much thought into these numbers if it wasn't for our history, so it sucks that I just can't literally sit back put my feet up and enjoy being pregnant.

Anyways, one good thing is that I convinced this nurse to check my thyroid levels. The other nurse didnt want to do so because she said it was too early. You know, this is one thing I don't understand some times in the medical field. What is the big deal in ordering an extra test for me? It's not like they are paying for it or what not, so that just baffles me. Anyways, I'm kind of relieved at that. I'm about to call the RE nurse to tell her my news. She was so nice, I really liked her but of course I have to go through my own OB/GYN since I wasn't doing treatment with them this month.

Well, here is an updated test, from today. The top one is from two days ago and the bottom is today's. I must admit I wish it had been a lot darker, but I think it's darker? :-/

My nerves are a wreck :(

I'm still waiting for my beta and progesterone results from yesterday. I called this morning and they say they are still not in! This is insanity. I'm so scared and nervous, I wish I could just be happy but I'm just so scared. I'm afraid they might say my numbers are too low and I know that that usually doesnt matter as long as they double but the last time they told me that, things didnt end well :(

I called my mom yesterday to tell her the news. Only her and DH know of course. I figure I tell her the news now because last time with our little angel she was so confused and lost for words when I told her about my miscarriage. I'm just going to continue praying and praying that this little baby stays with us. Please baby, stick and stay until the end. We love you!

OMG! I'm pregnant!!

I'm lost for words. I've been crying, jumping, laughing, everything and anything. I had a feeling, but I didn't want it to just be a gut feeling and OMG I'm pregnant! We are pregnant! I feel like yelling it out loud (which I did in the bathroom).

So, I've been having dreams lately. Of a baby, and only two nights ago I had a dream. That I took a dollar test and a FRER test in the bathroom and I was shocked to see that they were both positive. That's exactly what I decided to do today. The dollar test didnt show right away but I said, wth, I'm going onto IVF, let me just use the FRER. And as I was sitting in toilet, I started seeing a second line on the FRER. I thought I was seeing things as usual. But no, it got darker and then the dollar test had a second line! Needless to say I called my OB/GYN right away. They scheduled me in for Feb 25th but I want them to give me a blood test for a beta and progesterone (since I had my miscarriage last year and the RE had told me my progesterone wasnt so great). So now I'm waiting.

I've been spotting for the past 3 days (brown) and I'm cramping a little bit but please God, don't take this baby away from us, please let us keep it. I'm still going to enjoy this. Enjoy the fact that I can say IM PREGNANT! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

My usual complaining self..

So, as usual I've been a bitch and I can't communicate too well. So, since I find writing so much easier to communicate my feelings, especially when I'm angry, I wrote this to DH yesterday..

To understand (or not)

An explanation for my moods (today and many of my other more recent days):

Today I was at the pediatrician with my sister and some other chick was there with her son and after talking somewhat just about how old Christian was, etc. Christian started spitting onto my pants and so forth, so I asked my sister for the bib. Then this chick turned to me and asked me if I had kids. I said, "well I have a stepson who is 5". To that she responded, "oh, when you become a mother then you'll know what it's like. You will care less of all the spitting and vomiting." First, she doesn't even know my situation, I probably have more experience than her with vomiting and spitting babies, secondly, wtf, you don't know my situation, maybe i want a baby so bad and can't have one so why dont you shut your mouth!" I obviously didn't say any of that to her, but wish I did to some extent. So that got me annoyed.

Then, this didn't get me annoyed but just sad and it was my sister's comment about her wanting to be an "auntie" and wanting me to be "pregnant" which I told you about. I started thinking again about my early miscarriage and how our baby would have been approx 3 months old at this point and the little cousin's could've been so close in age and how dreamy all that would've been. Because that's all that is now. A dream of the past.

Then, maybe I just brought this on to myself for even mentioning "baby" in any sentence but then Matthew starts talking about the baby his mamma has in her belly while I'm an empty, useless piece of anything. And as that conversation finished somehow in my head came up all the pity people feel for me ( friends, family, neighbors, even myself...I ..myself.... pity me..how terrible).

And then just to add a cherry on top, you made the comment about matthew "oh, I guess parenthood makes you like that. you'll understand someday..yada yada" I think that's pretty insensitive coming from you, my husband, the one who I've been going through all these awful months of emptiness, of loss and of hurt. Just to not watch your words more carefully when you say something. And yeah, maybe I shouldn't be so "sensitive" but out of all people (neighbors, friends, family) for some reason I think you should be the most sensitive because I would think you would be going through the same hurt.

Or not...Maybe your hurt is different and I'm pretty sure it is. Mainly because we all process grief in different ways. But I also can't help to think that you do have a son. Someone who is your own blood, truly your own reflection who you can rejoice with and look forward to the future (aside from all those remarks you make about him not loving you, how could he not, he absolutely adores you). You will always be his father, you will always be "a" father. A birth father, a father who has raised his son, who has loved his son. I however, you are right. I yet have to be a "birth" mother. At times I can be a mother who raises her stepson and teaches him things, but unfortunately, there is always some tension (tension with the mother of your son, tension with the way matthew perceives me at time). Maybe to him one day I will just be "the woman who helped raise me" and that's it.

Even with IVF underway, I just can help but wish that it could happen on it's own (always, always thinking the same damn thing). And then there will be so many other obstacles with IVF in general. Will it take? Will the embryo's implant? Will I miscarry? Will something bad happen? It's unfortunate. Unfortunate that I can't just move forward with an optimistic heart and mind. I almost feel like I'm wasting my life away just waiting, waiting for something that obviously God has not granted me yet, or maybe never will for one reason or another. I just might never know. This is where the "I give up" attitude comes out of me so many times. Because in the end, if and when we do IVF does not happen to work, then I do not know where my emotions will lead me next. I just don't know..

Preparing myself for AF :(

Well, like every other cycle, I'm not feeling very pregnant. Technically AF is meant to arrive next week around the 28th or so and I know it might be too early, yada yada. But aside from being very tired lately (I think it might be winter blues/baby blues) nothing else really is out of normal. As a matter of fact yesterday I went running for a mile and half (well, I walked a mile LOL).

DH wants to participate in the NYC 5K this April so I figure I might as well start training, so I'm sure if I get AF I will be training like crazy (although I have to clear this with the RE first). I'm not due to start my IVF cycle until my thyroids levels get down to normal and as I stated before that can take anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. So I told myself this year that I will not stop myself from doing things for the sake of "i might be pregnant" or in this case, "i might start my IVF cycle" anytime soon. If anything I think it's great that I'm back to being much healthier, just like the good old days.

I'm eating much healthier (the best I've ever eaten in my life). Drinking a lot water, replaced my usual sugary filled drink at dinner for lime flavored seltzer and drinking green tea most mornings. I'm also trying to cut down on sugar in general but that's probably my biggest challenge. I think I've gotten pretty far though :) I'm not going to lie, I do treat myself to some things here and there but hey, I'm not on a diet and dont intend to be!

I'm currently weighing in at 125 which is ideal body weight (the RE said Im borderline low, but oh well guy, I'm not going to let myself go lol) I would like to get into weight training but do not think that will be happening. We'll see.

Another new thing for me is that I have decided to volunteer my time since it seems the job I was looking into is not going to work out. So I might as well use this free time to help others that need it (hopefully I can continue doing so even if I did have to go back to work). So, AF, bring it on! I'm sure I will cry and bitch once you arrive but like always I will have to get over it!

Cheers!

Dreaming about baby, as usual ;)

So just a short entry for today. The other day I started looking up baby names. I think DH thought I was being silly or something but maybe that's a good thing that I have some hope left in me to be able to look up baby names, right? So eventually he got into it with me (even if it was for just 5 to 10 minutes). Here is what we came up with. Now I'm going to list the names I came up with and some of DH's (he has some outrageous names, so I have to be very careful that when I do have a baby that I'm there to see this baby named!!! LOL)

My list:
For a boy:
Sebastian
Julian
Alexander
Elijah

For a Girl:
Isabella
Julianne
Camille
Lia

DH's Choices for a boy:
Marcus
Zachary
Titus <--- I said no way
Tiberion <---- I said no way

For a Girl:
Sydney
Athena
Lia

DH is half Italian and he obviously has an attraction to these ancient Roman names but I don't want my kid teased all his life ! He said that we need "strong" names, which I do not disagree with but I can already see it's going to be quite tough picking out names that we can both come to love. Feel free to leave some names you consider, maybe we can get more on our list :) I'm sure I'll be revising this list once and if I ever do get pregnant, until then, we'll see!

Cheers!

Office/baby room finally empty!!

Except for the closet. But it's a start. This is one of the things I had fought DH on at the very beginning when we bought our house. I wanted our future baby's room empty, not his office, not a dumpster of sorts.. We all got to have our "brand" new rooms, our gorgeous bedroom, Matthew (DSS) his own, nice and big room but no, DH wanted his darn computer and crap all over our baby's room. He convinced me by saying it would do us no good in having the room empty so why not use it, but yet again he let me paint the room baby blue (I have design ideas for a girl or boy in this color). But now my feelings are that everything is not pristine like it should be and beautiful like I thought. I dont know, in the end, if all this gets better we might paint the room over, or keep it. Who knows how I would feel. I picked the paint color because it just looked so dreamy, just as dreamy as if there was a little being in it.

Infertility and marriage

Lately, infertility has gotten even tougher than before. Just when we think we are moving forward and things are starting to look up, our relationship seems to be looking down. This saddens me greatly, because I do love DH but at the same time, in the past years of not getting pregnant and being married, I have grown especially in my way of thinking and just many other ways. I can't even go into details of all the little things we've been disagreeing with lately because it would be too much. But I do have a fear. I have a fear of going through this whole procedure of getting pregnant and the IVF and in the end our family being split apart. I know that's DH's greatest fear too as he does not want another marriage under his belt (I'm his second).

I've just been very bitter and I'm not going to lie, very bitchy and maybe hormonal and who knows what else. I thought DH would understand me by now, after all we've been through. But instead we argue constantly, about why I'm a bitch, about why he is inconsiderate, etc...you get the picture. I've thought of taking a break and going somewhere but then that kind of would be like running away. The other option is just making up with DH, putting our differences aside and moving forward, but I feel in my heart that that is wrong too. That is will still come back to us in the future and we will not move forward. Counseling?? Unfortunately, I've been through countless therapists ( I have a rough past with my family almost disowning me for leaving with DH) and also through marriage counseling. Marriage counseling seemed to open us up and solve some things. But is this what you are supposed to do? Keep going back to counseling?

DH seems to think that I should go to IF counseling myself and I feel resentful because he doesn't feel the "need" to go himself. He just pushes me into it. Well, I just don't think that's the way it should be, he should go with me and maybe express his feelings and hear me out on mine. Because even though he hears me and all, he still gets upset when I lose hope. I don't know, all of the sudden this entry seems to be a lot of rambling, put I'm just upset and do not know how or when we will "fix" all of this. Our marriage, the infertility and everything else that comes along with it :(

If in doubt, seek a second opinion :)

Yesterday was my appointment with my old RE and I'm so glad I went back to him! DH and I had our reservations about the other office and this one made us feel such an ease. When you are going through infertility the last thing you need is having the RE's office adding to your stress. They should be the ones making you feel more at ease, not worst.

I was told that according to all the battery of test I had gotten, I do not seem to have PCOS. That unlike what the other RE had said my ovaries looked young and healthy and it was explained to me through ultrasounds and pictures which was great. I'm officially off PCOS meds. Also, something that had bothered me with the other RE is that he believed my thyroid disorder was not a big concern. I have hypothyroidism and my levels are currently at an alarming 13.14. The norm is between 2.50-4.50! When you do IVF they usually prefer your levels to be at the lower end of 2.5. Right away my meds have been upped and now we have to wait until they get there which can unfortunately be maybe weeks to months, depending on how my body reacts :( I guess that's the only piece of "bad" news. That I thought we would be able to jump into IVF right away but we can't until that gets resolved.

Meanwhile, at the ultrasound the doctor confirmed one of my dreams! A little background on my dreams lol:

I always have crazy dreams. Dh is amazed at the detail and the things I remember, and at times they are pretty freaky and realistic. But in any case, I had a dream on Saturday night that I went to my OB/GYN and he checked my cervix. He then told me you are ready to ovulate. Make sure you cover your bases and BD all week. So of course I woke up the next morning and told DH. He had no problem with my dream Dr's orders LOL!

So yesterday at my ultrasound, my lining was nice and thick and I had a follicle on my left ovary measuring at 18mm which is awesome. The RE told me to cover our bases we should BD until the very least Thursday :) Wow! It was kind of funny because DH and I had cheesy smiles when the dr told us that LOL So I guess for now that's what we are doing.

Unfortunately or not, this is our last cycle trying to conceive naturally. If I start a period for next cycle I will be going on birth control to prep for IVF just in case my thyroid levels to regulate themselves in a short period of time (FX that they do). So I guess it's a bittersweet feeling, to know this is our last "natural" cycle, at least for now. But I definitely think this baby has been a long time coming and if IVF is what it takes then after 3 long years, I'm finally ready :)

A bright start for 2010!

So here is some great news. Today I officially became a US citizen! Yay for me :) Not too bad for the first week of 2010. Hopefully this is the start to many more great things to come ;)

New Year, new hope, new baby?

So it's pretty obvious that 2009 was a very tough year for me and for DH. We went through a lot of ups and downs regarding fertility and I still have my very sad and blue moments. I'm currently switching fertility specialists. Unfortunately, the one we were going to was good, but their office staff very disorganized and not sensitive to the other stressors of infertility (costs, emotional situations, etc.) We are going back to our original RE who we saw back in 2007. I can't believe it's been that long. However, good news is that since then DH's SA issues were resolved and now he's doing great, so hoping that gives us a better chance.

Regardless, unless there is an absolute miracle, we are proceeding onto IVF. Still very cautious about the whole thing only because you still need God to provide you with that little miracle and bundle of joy. So yes, hopefully my chances will be greatly improved and soon enough we can welcome a new little member to our family. Now it's just about me trying to stay positive and keeping my head up. I don't want this year to pass like last year, obsessing every single month about whether or not I was pregnant or not. I don't know how I will do it, but I'm going to just try and leave it all in God's hands. Here is for hoping the best on my Monday appt with the RE and hoping that I can get to meet my personal little angel soon enough.