My usual complaining self..

So, as usual I've been a bitch and I can't communicate too well. So, since I find writing so much easier to communicate my feelings, especially when I'm angry, I wrote this to DH yesterday..

To understand (or not)

An explanation for my moods (today and many of my other more recent days):

Today I was at the pediatrician with my sister and some other chick was there with her son and after talking somewhat just about how old Christian was, etc. Christian started spitting onto my pants and so forth, so I asked my sister for the bib. Then this chick turned to me and asked me if I had kids. I said, "well I have a stepson who is 5". To that she responded, "oh, when you become a mother then you'll know what it's like. You will care less of all the spitting and vomiting." First, she doesn't even know my situation, I probably have more experience than her with vomiting and spitting babies, secondly, wtf, you don't know my situation, maybe i want a baby so bad and can't have one so why dont you shut your mouth!" I obviously didn't say any of that to her, but wish I did to some extent. So that got me annoyed.

Then, this didn't get me annoyed but just sad and it was my sister's comment about her wanting to be an "auntie" and wanting me to be "pregnant" which I told you about. I started thinking again about my early miscarriage and how our baby would have been approx 3 months old at this point and the little cousin's could've been so close in age and how dreamy all that would've been. Because that's all that is now. A dream of the past.

Then, maybe I just brought this on to myself for even mentioning "baby" in any sentence but then Matthew starts talking about the baby his mamma has in her belly while I'm an empty, useless piece of anything. And as that conversation finished somehow in my head came up all the pity people feel for me ( friends, family, neighbors, even myself...I ..myself.... pity me..how terrible).

And then just to add a cherry on top, you made the comment about matthew "oh, I guess parenthood makes you like that. you'll understand someday..yada yada" I think that's pretty insensitive coming from you, my husband, the one who I've been going through all these awful months of emptiness, of loss and of hurt. Just to not watch your words more carefully when you say something. And yeah, maybe I shouldn't be so "sensitive" but out of all people (neighbors, friends, family) for some reason I think you should be the most sensitive because I would think you would be going through the same hurt.

Or not...Maybe your hurt is different and I'm pretty sure it is. Mainly because we all process grief in different ways. But I also can't help to think that you do have a son. Someone who is your own blood, truly your own reflection who you can rejoice with and look forward to the future (aside from all those remarks you make about him not loving you, how could he not, he absolutely adores you). You will always be his father, you will always be "a" father. A birth father, a father who has raised his son, who has loved his son. I however, you are right. I yet have to be a "birth" mother. At times I can be a mother who raises her stepson and teaches him things, but unfortunately, there is always some tension (tension with the mother of your son, tension with the way matthew perceives me at time). Maybe to him one day I will just be "the woman who helped raise me" and that's it.

Even with IVF underway, I just can help but wish that it could happen on it's own (always, always thinking the same damn thing). And then there will be so many other obstacles with IVF in general. Will it take? Will the embryo's implant? Will I miscarry? Will something bad happen? It's unfortunate. Unfortunate that I can't just move forward with an optimistic heart and mind. I almost feel like I'm wasting my life away just waiting, waiting for something that obviously God has not granted me yet, or maybe never will for one reason or another. I just might never know. This is where the "I give up" attitude comes out of me so many times. Because in the end, if and when we do IVF does not happen to work, then I do not know where my emotions will lead me next. I just don't know..