Friday, May 21, 2010

Someone is crying tonight...

After being blissfully pregnant for 20 weeks someone's world is falling apart today. I met her only once at a good friend's party. Neither of us pregnant yet but soon to be. She found out she was pregnant only 4 weeks after I did just as we were announcing our happy news to close family and friends. .

I heard she was thrilled and so happy to be so newly pregnant that she told her best friend the news the day she peed on that stick. Weeks later the nuchal test showed that the baby's nuchal fold was thicker than it should be and after a cvs they confirmed that the baby was just fine, a little boygrowing strong and healthy they said. Today at her 20 week appointment they found that the baby's heart is misplaced and that there might be brain damage. They sent her home asking her to start thinking about terminating the life of her growing baby boy in her belly. To terminate her dreams and hopes that she built from the very day she found out her family was going to grow by one.

Someone is crying tonight. It could be me, it could be you, it could be someone you love or know.. All we know is that the pain is too hard to handle and I lay awake thinking about these newly formed parents and the tough decision that lies ahead of them. You are not alone whoever you are. We've had our suffering and pain and hopefully somewhere in your heart you can grow strong and move forward to a life where all this will be bittersweet and you will be happy and once again start believing in LIFE.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Back to real life

I finally got back home Sunday and let me tell you, it's like I've been rammed over by I don't know what. All these feelings of emptiness and memories just flooded over me and I'm so overwhelmed. I've been awfully negative and feel completely bad for putting my husband through my ups and downs. He is the only person who knows the "true me" aside from people that might be reading this blog. On the outside and to the rest of family and friends I probably look the happiest ever. I've been running around like crazy and also running (literally). I pushed myself to run, even though I'm not a huge fan of how I feel afterwards, but running is like crying out loud. When you feel the pain is too much to bear, you just keep going, harder and harder until you feel like you can't anymore and you keep on. I don't know, I'm hoping my running becomes a more positive thing to do eventually.

Today I spoke with the nurse at the RE and again I broke down in tears after talking to her. Not because I don't know what's coming, because I'm aware of it (although I yet have to go through an IVF cycle) but just because it's the reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore and that I never know if I will be. To top things off, the recommended "genetic analysis of the embryos" is going to run us an approximately 6k extra on top of our other costs (meds, IVF itself, etc). And we still owe over 1k in hospital bills from my pregnancy loss. It's completely overwhelming to think that all our savings will be completely depleted with no guarantee in the end.

On another note, as I was traveling back from London I peaked over at someone reading a newspaper piece and there was a big statistic in bold letters that stated that 3 out 4 children would be born out of wedlock this following year. So wow, I was right when I told my mom that I had to be blissfully unwed it seemed to have a child. I mean, I have nothing against being unwed with a child of course, it's just that a lot of the people I do know, a lot of them in my own family are, unwed with children! *sighs* What can you do? I'm still hoping that we will be one of the lucky 25% in the stat.

Until next time!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Brought back down to earth today

And it wasn't pretty :( So, I had my first talk since my loss with my RE. Since I'm still stuck in London (praying to get out of here by the weekend) we had a conference call. It worked out great, that way he didn't have to see the tears in my face or the disappointment. Maybe it's just me being melodramatic (I've been told I can get like that). That's where the "misunderstood" comes from. One of my friends on facebook (and real life of course) tagged me in that picture a while back.

On to the news of the RE. Basically we discussed my loss and how I interpreted it was due to my very lovely "faulty" eggs. This is not the RE's language, he is much more diplomatic and nicer about it. Because my eggs might not be of good quality all these wacky things could be happening, hence the miscarriages and the long time trying to even get pregnant in between. Our choice now per his recommendation is of course still IVF but this time it would include genetic analysis of the embryos. So the process should look like (excluding the mumbo jumbo meds and procedures of course):

-Get lots of "good quality eggs"
-Get those eggs inserted with only "ONE" sperm from my dear husband through ICSI
-Let them develop into blastocysts and on day 3 send them of for genetic analysis
-Freeze the embryos while we await for genetics
-Hope to God that at the very least we get 2 embryos that are "normal"
-Hope to God that we can get more to freeze for later use (i'm getting greedy here)
-Transfer embryos onto my womb that wil,l God willing, implant onto my uterus.
-Hope to God for an uneventful pregnancy (again being extra greedy, but hey..)
-Last but not least, pray and keep praying for a healthy baby

And that's it gals (and fellows if there were any :) That's the jist for now.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A little piece of London

And a break on baby talk, not because I don't miss my angels, but because one needs to be free of sorrow and full of joy. Where would I be in life without hope and joy? Cheers! :)

Nat & Big Ben

London Bridge from the ferry

View from the top of St. Pauls Catherdral (after climbing 365 steps to the top of the dome in heeled boots, ah!! my feet!)

The London Eye

London City View from Trafalgar Square

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Hello from London!

Yes! That's where I've disappeared to. Great change of scenery and the weather is just right. It's sunny and mild, not at all usual for this city. I absolutely love it. While my husband W has been working none stop he decided to bring me along his business trip which I thank him so much. So he's working, I'm shopping and sightseeing. Ahhh! This Friday we leave to Paris to spend three days together. I hope we can really enjoy ourselves and put behind all our sad and angry feelings and experience joy and unforgettable moments! Till next time. Cheers!! :)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Life & holding on to it

Lately I've been obsessed with getting my husband to lose weight and eat healthier as I've been doing so for myself. You see he has high cholesterol and although it's been getting better over the years it's still up there. After my most recent loss, I've been thinking a lot and been scared of losing him. Life is so fragile, from the minute it starts to the time it ends, every little minute can be borrowed. I want him to make the most of this life and be able to at least prevent some things that could cause his to end.

So, we argue a lot some times. I get upset that he doesn't want to try harder or exercise more often. It's a challenge to stay on top of him telling him he shouldn't be eating that and I just don't want to do that. I want him to do it and I just don't understand how he cannot see for himself to do all the things that I need him to do. To stay here with me for a long time and hopefully our children can have a father who is also here for them God willing in many years to come.

So, yeah, the days are still tough. I think a lot about life and death and it's really bothering me lately. I've been able to more forward somewhat but not really. I think I try so hard on the outside but on the inside I still hurt deeply. I'm trying to find things to do but some days it's just hard.

Good thing is that we are leaving to London on Friday (he has work to do). I will be doing some sightseeing as it is my first time there so it should be a nice distraction. After we will be taking 3 days to Paris and I hope I can just really enjoy myself and stop thinking so much about the what ifs of life and stop hurting deep inside.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Results of genetic testing

We got the results for our little angel. Turns out that it had triploidy. Meaning, instead of having 46 chromosomes like every normal human being, this angel had 69 or an extra chromosome in every set. That's all I know, this is the first time we ran this type of testing and all I can do is research online to understand better.

Needless to say, my husband and I feel a little better. Not better that we lost our "miracle" baby but better in knowing that there was nothing we could have really done to prevent this from happening. I kept partially blaming the hematoma, but now we know it was definitely not that. Having these results helps give some closure to this very painful loss. Life has definitely been tough, full of anger and hurt on behalf of both of us.

On a happier note, tomorrow is our 4 year marriage anniversary! We give each other traditional gifts and this year is flowers and fruits. I'm giving him three roses. A peach rose that signifies desire and admiration (because we are still so passionate about each other and I always admire his will to move forward no matter what happens in our lives). A dark pink rose that signifies thankfulness for all that he has done for me throughout the many years we known each other. And a red rose that signifies my deep love for him. I'm getting my nails and hair done, dressing up nice and sexy and picking him up from work to head to dinner at the Melting Pot. Thought it would be appropriate to share chocolate fondue with fruits! So, I'm looking forward to a nice evening and as you can see this year I want to make him feel special because so far, all we have is each other and that's ok sometimes.