8 wks 1 day: On bedrest

I have seen my baby three times these past 5 days through the ultrasound. At this point we call it our little gummi bear because that what he/she is looking like. Heartbeat is still strong but I'm still bleeding. It's been a real rollercoaster these past couple of days. At this point, it's sad but I'm used to the ups and downs but I was definitely not ready to get on this one.

As we headed to the doctor yesterday I started crying to DH and he told me that God doesn't give us what we can not handle. Crying back I said, I don't know why God thought that I could handle this. I felt bad and kind of wish I could take that back. You see, I'm not extremely religious but I do believe. I believe in praying every night and I believe our baby is a miracle. Some times in the hard times, I do feel like there is someone looking over me, giving me a sense of calm when I need it. Almost like my heart is lifted from some burden that I just can't handle at the moment.

The bleeding has subsided somewhat but it is still there and bright red. The hematoma is almost the size of the baby at this moment so I pray that the baby continues growing and beats it in size. I was told I might bleed as long as 4 more weeks or more. There is no known cause and no known cure. It just happens. I have small pains on the sides and I'm more paranoid than ever. I don't know what normal "pregnancy pains" or "gas pains" or anything. I just really try to stay calm and it subsides.

It's tough being in bed and all by myself but I'm hoping to get through it for the sake of our baby. I will lay the whole time I have left if I have to in this bed just so that I can give this baby a chance, a chance of life.