Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Back to real life

I finally got back home Sunday and let me tell you, it's like I've been rammed over by I don't know what. All these feelings of emptiness and memories just flooded over me and I'm so overwhelmed. I've been awfully negative and feel completely bad for putting my husband through my ups and downs. He is the only person who knows the "true me" aside from people that might be reading this blog. On the outside and to the rest of family and friends I probably look the happiest ever. I've been running around like crazy and also running (literally). I pushed myself to run, even though I'm not a huge fan of how I feel afterwards, but running is like crying out loud. When you feel the pain is too much to bear, you just keep going, harder and harder until you feel like you can't anymore and you keep on. I don't know, I'm hoping my running becomes a more positive thing to do eventually.

Today I spoke with the nurse at the RE and again I broke down in tears after talking to her. Not because I don't know what's coming, because I'm aware of it (although I yet have to go through an IVF cycle) but just because it's the reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore and that I never know if I will be. To top things off, the recommended "genetic analysis of the embryos" is going to run us an approximately 6k extra on top of our other costs (meds, IVF itself, etc). And we still owe over 1k in hospital bills from my pregnancy loss. It's completely overwhelming to think that all our savings will be completely depleted with no guarantee in the end.

On another note, as I was traveling back from London I peaked over at someone reading a newspaper piece and there was a big statistic in bold letters that stated that 3 out 4 children would be born out of wedlock this following year. So wow, I was right when I told my mom that I had to be blissfully unwed it seemed to have a child. I mean, I have nothing against being unwed with a child of course, it's just that a lot of the people I do know, a lot of them in my own family are, unwed with children! *sighs* What can you do? I'm still hoping that we will be one of the lucky 25% in the stat.

Until next time!

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