My results are back

So here are my results for yesterday's bloodwork : Beta of 46 and Progesterone of 22. The nurse was like, oh well, it's a little on the lower end (why the hell do they always have to make me feel like something has to be wrong, ugh?!) And of course I go for a repeat tomorrow. I want to be calm and tell myself that everything is going to be ok but that comment kind of messed up my confidence :( I wouldn't put much thought into these numbers if it wasn't for our history, so it sucks that I just can't literally sit back put my feet up and enjoy being pregnant.

Anyways, one good thing is that I convinced this nurse to check my thyroid levels. The other nurse didnt want to do so because she said it was too early. You know, this is one thing I don't understand some times in the medical field. What is the big deal in ordering an extra test for me? It's not like they are paying for it or what not, so that just baffles me. Anyways, I'm kind of relieved at that. I'm about to call the RE nurse to tell her my news. She was so nice, I really liked her but of course I have to go through my own OB/GYN since I wasn't doing treatment with them this month.

Well, here is an updated test, from today. The top one is from two days ago and the bottom is today's. I must admit I wish it had been a lot darker, but I think it's darker? :-/

My nerves are a wreck :(

I'm still waiting for my beta and progesterone results from yesterday. I called this morning and they say they are still not in! This is insanity. I'm so scared and nervous, I wish I could just be happy but I'm just so scared. I'm afraid they might say my numbers are too low and I know that that usually doesnt matter as long as they double but the last time they told me that, things didnt end well :(

I called my mom yesterday to tell her the news. Only her and DH know of course. I figure I tell her the news now because last time with our little angel she was so confused and lost for words when I told her about my miscarriage. I'm just going to continue praying and praying that this little baby stays with us. Please baby, stick and stay until the end. We love you!

OMG! I'm pregnant!!

I'm lost for words. I've been crying, jumping, laughing, everything and anything. I had a feeling, but I didn't want it to just be a gut feeling and OMG I'm pregnant! We are pregnant! I feel like yelling it out loud (which I did in the bathroom).

So, I've been having dreams lately. Of a baby, and only two nights ago I had a dream. That I took a dollar test and a FRER test in the bathroom and I was shocked to see that they were both positive. That's exactly what I decided to do today. The dollar test didnt show right away but I said, wth, I'm going onto IVF, let me just use the FRER. And as I was sitting in toilet, I started seeing a second line on the FRER. I thought I was seeing things as usual. But no, it got darker and then the dollar test had a second line! Needless to say I called my OB/GYN right away. They scheduled me in for Feb 25th but I want them to give me a blood test for a beta and progesterone (since I had my miscarriage last year and the RE had told me my progesterone wasnt so great). So now I'm waiting.

I've been spotting for the past 3 days (brown) and I'm cramping a little bit but please God, don't take this baby away from us, please let us keep it. I'm still going to enjoy this. Enjoy the fact that I can say IM PREGNANT! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

My usual complaining self..

So, as usual I've been a bitch and I can't communicate too well. So, since I find writing so much easier to communicate my feelings, especially when I'm angry, I wrote this to DH yesterday..

To understand (or not)

An explanation for my moods (today and many of my other more recent days):

Today I was at the pediatrician with my sister and some other chick was there with her son and after talking somewhat just about how old Christian was, etc. Christian started spitting onto my pants and so forth, so I asked my sister for the bib. Then this chick turned to me and asked me if I had kids. I said, "well I have a stepson who is 5". To that she responded, "oh, when you become a mother then you'll know what it's like. You will care less of all the spitting and vomiting." First, she doesn't even know my situation, I probably have more experience than her with vomiting and spitting babies, secondly, wtf, you don't know my situation, maybe i want a baby so bad and can't have one so why dont you shut your mouth!" I obviously didn't say any of that to her, but wish I did to some extent. So that got me annoyed.

Then, this didn't get me annoyed but just sad and it was my sister's comment about her wanting to be an "auntie" and wanting me to be "pregnant" which I told you about. I started thinking again about my early miscarriage and how our baby would have been approx 3 months old at this point and the little cousin's could've been so close in age and how dreamy all that would've been. Because that's all that is now. A dream of the past.

Then, maybe I just brought this on to myself for even mentioning "baby" in any sentence but then Matthew starts talking about the baby his mamma has in her belly while I'm an empty, useless piece of anything. And as that conversation finished somehow in my head came up all the pity people feel for me ( friends, family, neighbors, even myself...I ..myself.... pity me..how terrible).

And then just to add a cherry on top, you made the comment about matthew "oh, I guess parenthood makes you like that. you'll understand someday..yada yada" I think that's pretty insensitive coming from you, my husband, the one who I've been going through all these awful months of emptiness, of loss and of hurt. Just to not watch your words more carefully when you say something. And yeah, maybe I shouldn't be so "sensitive" but out of all people (neighbors, friends, family) for some reason I think you should be the most sensitive because I would think you would be going through the same hurt.

Or not...Maybe your hurt is different and I'm pretty sure it is. Mainly because we all process grief in different ways. But I also can't help to think that you do have a son. Someone who is your own blood, truly your own reflection who you can rejoice with and look forward to the future (aside from all those remarks you make about him not loving you, how could he not, he absolutely adores you). You will always be his father, you will always be "a" father. A birth father, a father who has raised his son, who has loved his son. I however, you are right. I yet have to be a "birth" mother. At times I can be a mother who raises her stepson and teaches him things, but unfortunately, there is always some tension (tension with the mother of your son, tension with the way matthew perceives me at time). Maybe to him one day I will just be "the woman who helped raise me" and that's it.

Even with IVF underway, I just can help but wish that it could happen on it's own (always, always thinking the same damn thing). And then there will be so many other obstacles with IVF in general. Will it take? Will the embryo's implant? Will I miscarry? Will something bad happen? It's unfortunate. Unfortunate that I can't just move forward with an optimistic heart and mind. I almost feel like I'm wasting my life away just waiting, waiting for something that obviously God has not granted me yet, or maybe never will for one reason or another. I just might never know. This is where the "I give up" attitude comes out of me so many times. Because in the end, if and when we do IVF does not happen to work, then I do not know where my emotions will lead me next. I just don't know..

Preparing myself for AF :(

Well, like every other cycle, I'm not feeling very pregnant. Technically AF is meant to arrive next week around the 28th or so and I know it might be too early, yada yada. But aside from being very tired lately (I think it might be winter blues/baby blues) nothing else really is out of normal. As a matter of fact yesterday I went running for a mile and half (well, I walked a mile LOL).

DH wants to participate in the NYC 5K this April so I figure I might as well start training, so I'm sure if I get AF I will be training like crazy (although I have to clear this with the RE first). I'm not due to start my IVF cycle until my thyroids levels get down to normal and as I stated before that can take anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. So I told myself this year that I will not stop myself from doing things for the sake of "i might be pregnant" or in this case, "i might start my IVF cycle" anytime soon. If anything I think it's great that I'm back to being much healthier, just like the good old days.

I'm eating much healthier (the best I've ever eaten in my life). Drinking a lot water, replaced my usual sugary filled drink at dinner for lime flavored seltzer and drinking green tea most mornings. I'm also trying to cut down on sugar in general but that's probably my biggest challenge. I think I've gotten pretty far though :) I'm not going to lie, I do treat myself to some things here and there but hey, I'm not on a diet and dont intend to be!

I'm currently weighing in at 125 which is ideal body weight (the RE said Im borderline low, but oh well guy, I'm not going to let myself go lol) I would like to get into weight training but do not think that will be happening. We'll see.

Another new thing for me is that I have decided to volunteer my time since it seems the job I was looking into is not going to work out. So I might as well use this free time to help others that need it (hopefully I can continue doing so even if I did have to go back to work). So, AF, bring it on! I'm sure I will cry and bitch once you arrive but like always I will have to get over it!

Cheers!

Dreaming about baby, as usual ;)

So just a short entry for today. The other day I started looking up baby names. I think DH thought I was being silly or something but maybe that's a good thing that I have some hope left in me to be able to look up baby names, right? So eventually he got into it with me (even if it was for just 5 to 10 minutes). Here is what we came up with. Now I'm going to list the names I came up with and some of DH's (he has some outrageous names, so I have to be very careful that when I do have a baby that I'm there to see this baby named!!! LOL)

My list:
For a boy:
Sebastian
Julian
Alexander
Elijah

For a Girl:
Isabella
Julianne
Camille
Lia

DH's Choices for a boy:
Marcus
Zachary
Titus <--- I said no way
Tiberion <---- I said no way

For a Girl:
Sydney
Athena
Lia

DH is half Italian and he obviously has an attraction to these ancient Roman names but I don't want my kid teased all his life ! He said that we need "strong" names, which I do not disagree with but I can already see it's going to be quite tough picking out names that we can both come to love. Feel free to leave some names you consider, maybe we can get more on our list :) I'm sure I'll be revising this list once and if I ever do get pregnant, until then, we'll see!

Cheers!

Office/baby room finally empty!!

Except for the closet. But it's a start. This is one of the things I had fought DH on at the very beginning when we bought our house. I wanted our future baby's room empty, not his office, not a dumpster of sorts.. We all got to have our "brand" new rooms, our gorgeous bedroom, Matthew (DSS) his own, nice and big room but no, DH wanted his darn computer and crap all over our baby's room. He convinced me by saying it would do us no good in having the room empty so why not use it, but yet again he let me paint the room baby blue (I have design ideas for a girl or boy in this color). But now my feelings are that everything is not pristine like it should be and beautiful like I thought. I dont know, in the end, if all this gets better we might paint the room over, or keep it. Who knows how I would feel. I picked the paint color because it just looked so dreamy, just as dreamy as if there was a little being in it.

Infertility and marriage

Lately, infertility has gotten even tougher than before. Just when we think we are moving forward and things are starting to look up, our relationship seems to be looking down. This saddens me greatly, because I do love DH but at the same time, in the past years of not getting pregnant and being married, I have grown especially in my way of thinking and just many other ways. I can't even go into details of all the little things we've been disagreeing with lately because it would be too much. But I do have a fear. I have a fear of going through this whole procedure of getting pregnant and the IVF and in the end our family being split apart. I know that's DH's greatest fear too as he does not want another marriage under his belt (I'm his second).

I've just been very bitter and I'm not going to lie, very bitchy and maybe hormonal and who knows what else. I thought DH would understand me by now, after all we've been through. But instead we argue constantly, about why I'm a bitch, about why he is inconsiderate, etc...you get the picture. I've thought of taking a break and going somewhere but then that kind of would be like running away. The other option is just making up with DH, putting our differences aside and moving forward, but I feel in my heart that that is wrong too. That is will still come back to us in the future and we will not move forward. Counseling?? Unfortunately, I've been through countless therapists ( I have a rough past with my family almost disowning me for leaving with DH) and also through marriage counseling. Marriage counseling seemed to open us up and solve some things. But is this what you are supposed to do? Keep going back to counseling?

DH seems to think that I should go to IF counseling myself and I feel resentful because he doesn't feel the "need" to go himself. He just pushes me into it. Well, I just don't think that's the way it should be, he should go with me and maybe express his feelings and hear me out on mine. Because even though he hears me and all, he still gets upset when I lose hope. I don't know, all of the sudden this entry seems to be a lot of rambling, put I'm just upset and do not know how or when we will "fix" all of this. Our marriage, the infertility and everything else that comes along with it :(

If in doubt, seek a second opinion :)

Yesterday was my appointment with my old RE and I'm so glad I went back to him! DH and I had our reservations about the other office and this one made us feel such an ease. When you are going through infertility the last thing you need is having the RE's office adding to your stress. They should be the ones making you feel more at ease, not worst.

I was told that according to all the battery of test I had gotten, I do not seem to have PCOS. That unlike what the other RE had said my ovaries looked young and healthy and it was explained to me through ultrasounds and pictures which was great. I'm officially off PCOS meds. Also, something that had bothered me with the other RE is that he believed my thyroid disorder was not a big concern. I have hypothyroidism and my levels are currently at an alarming 13.14. The norm is between 2.50-4.50! When you do IVF they usually prefer your levels to be at the lower end of 2.5. Right away my meds have been upped and now we have to wait until they get there which can unfortunately be maybe weeks to months, depending on how my body reacts :( I guess that's the only piece of "bad" news. That I thought we would be able to jump into IVF right away but we can't until that gets resolved.

Meanwhile, at the ultrasound the doctor confirmed one of my dreams! A little background on my dreams lol:

I always have crazy dreams. Dh is amazed at the detail and the things I remember, and at times they are pretty freaky and realistic. But in any case, I had a dream on Saturday night that I went to my OB/GYN and he checked my cervix. He then told me you are ready to ovulate. Make sure you cover your bases and BD all week. So of course I woke up the next morning and told DH. He had no problem with my dream Dr's orders LOL!

So yesterday at my ultrasound, my lining was nice and thick and I had a follicle on my left ovary measuring at 18mm which is awesome. The RE told me to cover our bases we should BD until the very least Thursday :) Wow! It was kind of funny because DH and I had cheesy smiles when the dr told us that LOL So I guess for now that's what we are doing.

Unfortunately or not, this is our last cycle trying to conceive naturally. If I start a period for next cycle I will be going on birth control to prep for IVF just in case my thyroid levels to regulate themselves in a short period of time (FX that they do). So I guess it's a bittersweet feeling, to know this is our last "natural" cycle, at least for now. But I definitely think this baby has been a long time coming and if IVF is what it takes then after 3 long years, I'm finally ready :)

A bright start for 2010!

So here is some great news. Today I officially became a US citizen! Yay for me :) Not too bad for the first week of 2010. Hopefully this is the start to many more great things to come ;)

New Year, new hope, new baby?

So it's pretty obvious that 2009 was a very tough year for me and for DH. We went through a lot of ups and downs regarding fertility and I still have my very sad and blue moments. I'm currently switching fertility specialists. Unfortunately, the one we were going to was good, but their office staff very disorganized and not sensitive to the other stressors of infertility (costs, emotional situations, etc.) We are going back to our original RE who we saw back in 2007. I can't believe it's been that long. However, good news is that since then DH's SA issues were resolved and now he's doing great, so hoping that gives us a better chance.

Regardless, unless there is an absolute miracle, we are proceeding onto IVF. Still very cautious about the whole thing only because you still need God to provide you with that little miracle and bundle of joy. So yes, hopefully my chances will be greatly improved and soon enough we can welcome a new little member to our family. Now it's just about me trying to stay positive and keeping my head up. I don't want this year to pass like last year, obsessing every single month about whether or not I was pregnant or not. I don't know how I will do it, but I'm going to just try and leave it all in God's hands. Here is for hoping the best on my Monday appt with the RE and hoping that I can get to meet my personal little angel soon enough.