AF late, and cruel BFN :( It's hard, you start to wonder if it will ever happen. I'm so drained, emotionally..

IUI tomorrow 11/14

Well, I have my IUI scheduled. Bad news is that my lining is only at 5mm. That cant be a good thing right? Ughh..we tried 100mg of Clomid this time and I have one 20mm follie on my right ovary. I guess my ovaries responded (and fast, did not expect this!) but my lining did not. So this is most def. my last cycle of Clomid. We'll see..I mean what are the chances that I'll get pregnant this cycle.

Let's see:

1. It's my birthday month, of course it would be too cool if I actually got my BFP then which is why I probably wont get it.

2. I'm going to Italy next month, so of course I'm going to have to hold off until January to even try something new because in Italy Im sure no BD as we are at family's house and DSS is going to be sleeping with us! So of course it'll be a long break that I will dread.

3. I'm planning on going back to work. I'm tired of being home, bored to death and my true potential is going to waste, so I'm going to see if DH can get me an interview with one of his contacts and I can start doing something. I dont look forward to my commute to NYC, which is where I would probably be a lot, but on the other hand I absolutely love NYC, so we'll see!

Hope to be back on here soon to share some stories!

Back on for an explanation..

So..I've been MIA this cycle and there is a clear reason for that. I was diagnosed with PCOS, had an annovulatory cycle and had to resort to Provera to bring about AF which I'm still expecting (slight spotting but nothing yet). It's been a very emotional cycle for me and for DH as well. From finding out I have PCOS to not ovulating and just painfully waiting to start a new cycle who knows when.

But, I guess a lot of things now make sense to me. I've been fighting severe acne for a long time now, hair in my body where I do not want it (Im totally obsessed with waxing and my epilator, don't know what I would do without them!) and of course, the not getting pregnant for such a long time except my one little angel that went to heaven too soon.

So of course there is hope for me. I will continue my medications. Try to do an IUI (which was cancelled this past cycle due to no ovulation) and keep on praying and hoping for a beautiful BFP and baby sometime soon.

I just need to figure out a way to fight of this depression that overcomes me. I'm going to try to start exercising again (unfortunately after my appendectomy in July I never got back to it) and hope that I just can keep myself healthy, busy and in shape. I'm hoping to love my husband even more and hope that I can snap out of it pretty soon so that I don't have to see his worried and sad eyes.

I guess it must be hard to see your loved one just burst out into tears out of nowhere, especially when you know where its coming from and its not just some craze breakdown. I'm sorry honey...wish you read this even though I know you don't. Maybe some day we can start reading beautiful entries, like when I get another BFP and this time I get to keep this baby that was always meant to be ours. Until then, I've decided to close shop. I can't write sad stories anymore..I admire all you women out there who can write through your pain. I hope to be back here sooner than later. Because that will mean we will all be in a better place :)

10 DPO, BFN :(

Geez...I guess this cycle is a bust. I mean I could hold on to hope and think that maybe I'm truly 9DPO like I've done in the past, but what's the point of that? Continue getting my hopes up. It's so sad, when I POAS I was really hopeful and positive that my test would have at least a faint positive line and that the digi would definitely say "Pregnant", but it wasn't so. It feel as though my heart was made of glass and something shattered it into tiny, tiny little pieces. And all those pieces are make their way painfully through every little inch of my body, burrowing deep in my skin, hurting more and more as time passes by. I'm truly sad and sometimes I wish I could just bury my head deep into a pillow, hide under the covers and never come out again :(

Trigger, gone at 4DPO?

Well, I tested today with the same $ tests to see if the positive would show and there doesn't seem to be anything there. I mean, I think I see something slightly, but maybe it's my imagination. Just like the many other times I thought I saw "something". But it's ok, I'm actually happy that nothing is there, because hopefully when I do test in a couple of days I see "something" for sure again :) Oh....I'm so hopeful, I just don't want to get crushed like every other month. Please God! Let this be my month..

BFP! But not a REAL BFP ;)

I took a HPT to see what would come up and how dark the line will be. I used a $ Store test because if I'm going to test the trigger out or become obsessive about testing, they are obviously not expensive :) Plus, I wanted to see what a positive looked like on these tests. DH was always telling me that since they are from the dollar store they are defective lol. But, so far they've been absolutely right with my non-pregnant cycles. Never got an evap line on them. And this is not bad for a BFP, so hopefully in a week and half or so I get a REAL BFP :)

Triggered this morning and pos. OPK

So, this is what a positive looks like on these tests! So, I guess the good news is that I finally got my HCG shot this morning at 10am. The bad news is that we have not bd for the past 5 days! I don't know how we let it go for so long but now I'm worried that DH's little swimmers will not be "optimal" to meet the lady friend. Ugh! Talk about stressing over every little detail. So now I'm getting to be a little pessimistic again. I wish someone could guarantee that everything would work out, but I guess I should've known that making a little human being is not as easy as everyone else makes it seem!

Clearly negative..

I took an OPK even though I have my ultrasound tomorrow. I have been having a terrible backache for the most part of my day and very strong pains on my left side and some minor ones on my right. It's a surprise to me because according to the RE my left side follies didn't look like they would mature at all, maybe they are just growing and just won't make it? In any case, I have my ultrasound tomorrow morning. We'll see what happens but truly I hope we've gotten somewhere because this wait is pretty crazy! :-

Follies not what I expected :(

Got my second ultrasound today. The follies on my left side basically stopped growing. They are not of a significant size to mature. I have to follies on my right ovary, one that is currently at 16mm and the other at 13. So, this sucks.. In the end I might end up have only one egg release, not two and not one on each side either like I had at least hoped. I know I should be thankful that at least I'm hopefully releasing at least one egg but I just wanted to up my chances and that's unlikely now :( I have another appointment Wednesday but whatever..we'll see.

My ultrasound today, CD 11

So, I had my ultrasound today to check the follies. There was 2 follies in my right one at 8mm and the other at 10mm, and one on my left ovary at 8mm. My lining was at 4.6. I have my appointment on Monday to check the progress.

I unfortunately left a little upset from the RE's office. I thought that they would be bigger and I guess I'm just afraid in the end I will only end up releasing one. Just like every other cycle which I know is great for many women but obviously that hasn't done much for me and even with timed intercourse the chances are still pretty slim in my opinion. Ugh...Well, I guess all I can do is wait and see :(

Tired..

I'm really fatigued today, don't know why. Maybe it's the meds and maybe it's ovulation gearing up. I sure hope so! I hope that tomorrow my ultrasound shows really good news. I'm nervous and worried. I took an OPK today just in case :) And that's why I got. It's my first time with Clearblue OPK's so it looks kind of dark but not enough for a positive yet, so we'll see!

On a side note, I noticed that my cervical mucus is none existent :( I panicked and rushed to the supermarket to get me some grapefruit hoping it will work. I think I see something, but only time will tell. FX!

1st Medicated cycle

So my cycle started September 1! I thought that was pretty cool, Day 1, September 1st :) Well, this cycle we have started 50mg clomid with timed intercourse. I'm also doing 250mg of Ovidrel to release the eggs. This is my first ever medicated cycle so I'm very hopeful and worried. I just don't know what to expect and in a way I really don't want to get my hopes way up there. Hubby tells me all the time "stay positive", I try, I really do but sometimes that's harder to do than expected.

Well, my regimen this month is comid CD 5 to 9. I have my appointment to my RE this Friday for an ultrasound. I guess I should be happy that at least when I went for my initial ultrasound on CD 4 there where no cysts and my lining seemed okay. So, we'll see what this brings us! Fingers crossed!!

And on a side note, major side effects that the clomid has given me is headache almost every day since I started. They are not migraine headaches but they do bother. And of course the dreaded bitchiness to which I'm so very sorry and feel very bad for DH. :( Poor guy has enough dealing with my PMS (really crazy) and now he has to deal with the clomid side effects..oh man! lol

Missing my "pregnant"

So, we've been trying to have a baby for about two years on and off. It seems the frustration was too overwhelming for me and I guess looking back I was never as ready as I am now. Since January I have been pregnant once. It ended in a "chemical" pregnancy at 5 wks. The joy of seeing those positive lines and "pregnant" on the digital was unexplainable. Unfortunately, I had been having some light bleeding and as the nurse from my ob/gyn office confirmed I would be miscarrying.

That was one of the hardest experiences ever, because the hurt of knowing that I was but I couldn't keep that little angel was too much to take. In the subsequent months, until now every time I see negative pregnancy tests or PMS and AF are undeniably on their way I can't help but cry myself to sleep. Many times I cry to my hubby/love but some of the times I just curl in bed and cry and sob really loud when no one is around. I hope that I don't have to do that much longer and that if I do cry, I cry tears of joy knowing that everything will be ok.

My fireflies and baby bliss

As a little girl I used to run around and try to catch fireflies in a jar. I used to pretend the fireflies were tinkerbell and used to wish upon them. Sounds familiar? Yes, I can completely relate to the song by Faith Hill, "Fireflies". I used to dream of finding prince charming just like the disney princesses I used to love watching for hours on end. The fireflies were my escape in the summer to a fairy tale world where I would dream of the amazing woman I could become.

I've become close to being that woman, at least I like to believe that I have. I found my prince charming and for years now I've dreamed of him being the father of my children. To build a big beautiful house and fill it with little, little ones that look like us.

Holding in my arms that little being that could grow in me and blossom to a beautiful baby. To come out to the world and grow and learn from mommy that it's ok to dream of fairy tales and wish upon fireflies. I can only hope for my little piece of bliss; hope that the little angel that God has for me comes down sooner than later and someday rest upon my bosom where I will be smiling down looking at the miracle that all my dreaming could not have possibly imagined.