We got the results for our little angel. Turns out that it had triploidy. Meaning, instead of having 46 chromosomes like every normal human being, this angel had 69 or an extra chromosome in every set. That's all I know, this is the first time we ran this type of testing and all I can do is research online to understand better.
Needless to say, my husband and I feel a little better. Not better that we lost our "miracle" baby but better in knowing that there was nothing we could have really done to prevent this from happening. I kept partially blaming the hematoma, but now we know it was definitely not that. Having these results helps give some closure to this very painful loss. Life has definitely been tough, full of anger and hurt on behalf of both of us.
On a happier note, tomorrow is our 4 year marriage anniversary! We give each other traditional gifts and this year is flowers and fruits. I'm giving him three roses. A peach rose that signifies desire and admiration (because we are still so passionate about each other and I always admire his will to move forward no matter what happens in our lives). A dark pink rose that signifies thankfulness for all that he has done for me throughout the many years we known each other. And a red rose that signifies my deep love for him. I'm getting my nails and hair done, dressing up nice and sexy and picking him up from work to head to dinner at the Melting Pot. Thought it would be appropriate to share chocolate fondue with fruits! So, I'm looking forward to a nice evening and as you can see this year I want to make him feel special because so far, all we have is each other and that's ok sometimes.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Inconsiderate People
Namely called family. The one who takes the prize on this one is my cousin. The day after I lose our baby she sends me her condolences and what not. And soon after, specifically the day after she is announcing all over the place that her sister (my other cousin) is PREGNANT. Can you say WOW and WTF? I know I'm not overreacting here. I put it this way...Let's say she is planning a wedding and excited to marry her fiance, then one day, he's gone, he leaves, he dies, whatever the case may be. I say I'm so sorry honey that you are going through this. The next day I go prancing around excited that who..., my sister just got engaged!! How freaking awesome.
I think people view a pregnancy lost very lightly at times, namely the people who have not been through one. They probably think the following. It was the best for you and the baby, the baby wasn't meant to be, etc. And I do understand some of that. But I think people forget that my husband and I had our hopes and dreams on this baby. On what the baby or our "gummy bear" would look like. What kind of personality would this baby have? Would the baby be just like his half brother who is also a Libra? Would his half brother love him/her? What would we do when the baby arrived and how would we feel? All those dreams lost in a minute. We saw little gummy bear and a strong strong heart beat and then one day, little gummy bear's heart stopped beating and I was holding a dead little gummy bear in my belly.
This is why I think that people just don't understand, maybe they just don't know and I guess I could forgive to some extent, but somehow not forget. I do not wish this upon anyone. But what I do wish is that we were more understood and people, including and especially my family would be more sensitive.
I think people view a pregnancy lost very lightly at times, namely the people who have not been through one. They probably think the following. It was the best for you and the baby, the baby wasn't meant to be, etc. And I do understand some of that. But I think people forget that my husband and I had our hopes and dreams on this baby. On what the baby or our "gummy bear" would look like. What kind of personality would this baby have? Would the baby be just like his half brother who is also a Libra? Would his half brother love him/her? What would we do when the baby arrived and how would we feel? All those dreams lost in a minute. We saw little gummy bear and a strong strong heart beat and then one day, little gummy bear's heart stopped beating and I was holding a dead little gummy bear in my belly.
This is why I think that people just don't understand, maybe they just don't know and I guess I could forgive to some extent, but somehow not forget. I do not wish this upon anyone. But what I do wish is that we were more understood and people, including and especially my family would be more sensitive.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
We Lost Our Baby...
I'm not sure how it happened, when it happened. I'm waiting to get a D&C tomorrow. Our baby would have been 10.5 weeks. This was our miracle baby and we deeply miss him/her. We loved you.
<3 Mommy & Daddy <3
<3 Mommy & Daddy <3
Sunday, March 14, 2010
10 wks: still hanging in there!
Every week is a big milestone, for us and our baby. We hope to continue to reach them week by week until I'm 40 weeks. It will be the most wonderful thing ever. We went to the midwife appointment yesterday, I think I had mentioned how much dh and I disliked my ob/gyn. Totally unsympathetic bastard. With all his awards and smug attitude and brushing me off like I didn't know what I was talking about. I don't deny that I didn't know what I was talking about, but I figured that's why he was the doctor. To be able to educate me and make me feel a little more at ease, even if that meant bad news. Instead when I asked where the bleeding was coming from or where the clots that looked like tissue came from, he chuckled and told me, the hematoma, where else?
I can somewhat understand why people might be weary of midwives. They're used to being part of this system where the doctors make the decisions for us, because the doctor "knows best", correct? Well fellow ivfers and IF strugglers, you know that this is not always true. And even if you have never gone through infertility struggles, I'm sure you have come across other doctors who thought something was best for you, when it really wasn't. I've heard numerous stories, many even published of medical errors, etc. It is not to say that you should question everything your doctor tells you. But I believe a great doctor is one that will allow you to ask as many questions as possible and will not hesitate to educate you and give you answers. Another great doctor is one that will not take to offense if you want a second opinion but as a matter of fact will welcome it.
So now on to the reason of why I liked the midwife practice. I waited 15 minutes before being called in by a welcoming woman. Someone who most likely seemed to know what I was going to, at least to a certain extent. Many questions were asked, about our medical background, especially mine and about any possible genetic factors. This was about thirty minutes which ended with all our questions towards the midwife. Amazingly the midwife that I had seen had gone through a similar experience with her second child, which put her on bedrest for many weeks. Later we were taken into the examination room, where I was informed I had a retroverted uterus (didn't even know that). They tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and couldn't. I was probably to early and with a retroverted uterus it's even a more impossible task. Of course I almost was in the verge of tears, I needed to know that the baby was ok and the midwife could sense that. She told me they would do an abdominal ultrasound for me (no more transvaginal, they don't want to take a chance of disturbing the SCH and make me bleed again). So they did and after a couple of minutes, there was baby. I saw a little kicking and the flickering of a heartbeat. It's amazing how much they grow in a week.
I was thankful that they accommodated me and dh to ease our fears and I just wish that that's what our ob would have been more sensitive to. But no, they are not trained for that. Obs are trained mostly in surgery. They're surgeons that perform c-sections when the need should arise. I respect that, because it for medical necessity I would need one, I of course would not deny it and would be thankful to have someone who knows what they are doing. But in the event that I do not, I feel comfortable having someone by my side who will try to make this a beautiful experience for us.
I want to enjoy this pregnancy, I really do. I hope things resolve and if they don't that I have the faith and will power to move forward and hope that everything is for the best. I will do everything possible to make it to my 40 weeks mark and hope that I have great medical care and the support I need.
I can somewhat understand why people might be weary of midwives. They're used to being part of this system where the doctors make the decisions for us, because the doctor "knows best", correct? Well fellow ivfers and IF strugglers, you know that this is not always true. And even if you have never gone through infertility struggles, I'm sure you have come across other doctors who thought something was best for you, when it really wasn't. I've heard numerous stories, many even published of medical errors, etc. It is not to say that you should question everything your doctor tells you. But I believe a great doctor is one that will allow you to ask as many questions as possible and will not hesitate to educate you and give you answers. Another great doctor is one that will not take to offense if you want a second opinion but as a matter of fact will welcome it.
So now on to the reason of why I liked the midwife practice. I waited 15 minutes before being called in by a welcoming woman. Someone who most likely seemed to know what I was going to, at least to a certain extent. Many questions were asked, about our medical background, especially mine and about any possible genetic factors. This was about thirty minutes which ended with all our questions towards the midwife. Amazingly the midwife that I had seen had gone through a similar experience with her second child, which put her on bedrest for many weeks. Later we were taken into the examination room, where I was informed I had a retroverted uterus (didn't even know that). They tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and couldn't. I was probably to early and with a retroverted uterus it's even a more impossible task. Of course I almost was in the verge of tears, I needed to know that the baby was ok and the midwife could sense that. She told me they would do an abdominal ultrasound for me (no more transvaginal, they don't want to take a chance of disturbing the SCH and make me bleed again). So they did and after a couple of minutes, there was baby. I saw a little kicking and the flickering of a heartbeat. It's amazing how much they grow in a week.
I was thankful that they accommodated me and dh to ease our fears and I just wish that that's what our ob would have been more sensitive to. But no, they are not trained for that. Obs are trained mostly in surgery. They're surgeons that perform c-sections when the need should arise. I respect that, because it for medical necessity I would need one, I of course would not deny it and would be thankful to have someone who knows what they are doing. But in the event that I do not, I feel comfortable having someone by my side who will try to make this a beautiful experience for us.
I want to enjoy this pregnancy, I really do. I hope things resolve and if they don't that I have the faith and will power to move forward and hope that everything is for the best. I will do everything possible to make it to my 40 weeks mark and hope that I have great medical care and the support I need.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
8 wks 1 day: On bedrest
I have seen my baby three times these past 5 days through the ultrasound. At this point we call it our little gummi bear because that what he/she is looking like. Heartbeat is still strong but I'm still bleeding. It's been a real rollercoaster these past couple of days. At this point, it's sad but I'm used to the ups and downs but I was definitely not ready to get on this one.
As we headed to the doctor yesterday I started crying to DH and he told me that God doesn't give us what we can not handle. Crying back I said, I don't know why God thought that I could handle this. I felt bad and kind of wish I could take that back. You see, I'm not extremely religious but I do believe. I believe in praying every night and I believe our baby is a miracle. Some times in the hard times, I do feel like there is someone looking over me, giving me a sense of calm when I need it. Almost like my heart is lifted from some burden that I just can't handle at the moment.
The bleeding has subsided somewhat but it is still there and bright red. The hematoma is almost the size of the baby at this moment so I pray that the baby continues growing and beats it in size. I was told I might bleed as long as 4 more weeks or more. There is no known cause and no known cure. It just happens. I have small pains on the sides and I'm more paranoid than ever. I don't know what normal "pregnancy pains" or "gas pains" or anything. I just really try to stay calm and it subsides.
It's tough being in bed and all by myself but I'm hoping to get through it for the sake of our baby. I will lay the whole time I have left if I have to in this bed just so that I can give this baby a chance, a chance of life.
As we headed to the doctor yesterday I started crying to DH and he told me that God doesn't give us what we can not handle. Crying back I said, I don't know why God thought that I could handle this. I felt bad and kind of wish I could take that back. You see, I'm not extremely religious but I do believe. I believe in praying every night and I believe our baby is a miracle. Some times in the hard times, I do feel like there is someone looking over me, giving me a sense of calm when I need it. Almost like my heart is lifted from some burden that I just can't handle at the moment.
The bleeding has subsided somewhat but it is still there and bright red. The hematoma is almost the size of the baby at this moment so I pray that the baby continues growing and beats it in size. I was told I might bleed as long as 4 more weeks or more. There is no known cause and no known cure. It just happens. I have small pains on the sides and I'm more paranoid than ever. I don't know what normal "pregnancy pains" or "gas pains" or anything. I just really try to stay calm and it subsides.
It's tough being in bed and all by myself but I'm hoping to get through it for the sake of our baby. I will lay the whole time I have left if I have to in this bed just so that I can give this baby a chance, a chance of life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
